Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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