the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
