i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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