She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
