I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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