Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
