I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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