my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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