so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
