just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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