U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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