Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
