I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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