My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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