Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
