so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
