I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
