Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
