I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
