whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
