Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
