I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
