We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
