So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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