it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
