Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
