I skipped work to stalk him.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
