I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
