I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
