Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
