Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
