I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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