True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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