end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Someone signed my nipple.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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