Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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