clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
