before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
