just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
