Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
