i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
