Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If I die, sorry about rent.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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