This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
