Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
