I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
