It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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