Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
