i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
