Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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