i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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