My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
