What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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